View Full Version : Please help me make some sense of this
Hi girlies,
Well, I'm a newbie here - have been on here loads in the past few months and just read all your wise words but this is my first post!
I know this is long but this is two months' worth of pent-up confusion! Even so, I'm hoping you guys might be able to help me - if you can't make sense of this I don't know who can.
My guy broke up with me two months ago, after nearly three years together. We lived together when we first met, but he was posted somewhere else after a year and a half and as I still went to uni I couldn't move with him. We've both knew from the very start that we wanted to have kids together, get married etc. He's several years older than me and I'm the first girl he's ever said those things to, moved in with etc, :) so I know he wouldn't say it without meaning it.
He suddenly broke up with me two months ago, in an email (bc he was on excercise), saying it was getting him down that we can't see each other very much at all and that the way things are at the moment (with his job - he works looooads) he couldn't offer me a proper relationship anymore. I've been wanting to tell him ever since that being with an army man is never going to give you a proper relationship (having your man getting shot at on a regular basis - in what universe is that 'proper'?? :p) The thing is I'm a bit worried that this came in a period where he worked loads and didn't really have anyone to talk to - it feels so weird that he'd just make a complete u-turn like that after this long!
My problem is, that's the last I heard from him. An email. After that long and that big a commitment.. He's just refusing to talk to me and I feel like I'm in limbo. I still don't understand why he did this (is he not in love anymore, or could it really be the reasons he stated - could it be that silly?) :confused:
Have now started to write him an email where I tell him just how i feel about the whole thing. I feel like I need him to understand that I never had a problem with his job! All I wanted was for him to love me and to let me know that he still did, despite the work load and the distance - that's it (which, compared to what these guys ask of us really isn't a lot to ask).
Phew! Long, but I just feel so confused. Is he doing this cold turkey thing because he'll get over me quicker that way? I don't want him to! What's your experience of army men and this? And should I send that email, hoping that it will hit home at least a bit? He's still got shedloads of my stuff, so he'll have to get in touch at some point. Should I rather wait for that?
xxx
hya bbe..well it dosent sound like u have had a good time of it.
My Oh was like tht a little bit wen he was in basic..but he was scared tht becuz he wud alwais be away on courses..excersise etc he wudent b able to offer me a proper relationship. no relationship is proper anywaii but any girl who sticks by there man when hes in the army is the best ever lol..just explain tht to him. U dont care how long he is awaii if he loves u and u love him it shudent matter. I dont think tht its right the waii he has done it but its up to u if u want to send tht email..he mite just be going thru a stage were hes being an asshole lol..u no wot there like, but it depends on how u feel chick. Just tell him how u feel..its all u can do at this stage. hope ur oki and it all works out 4 u x x:p
Hiya, nice to meet you!! What a horrible time you must have been having, really sorry that you've been going through it alone, you should have spoken sooner!!
I think if you want to write him an email to explain how you are feeling, then do so, but after 2 months of no contact, you need to be prepared that he is not going to respond. If it were me in this situation, he would have had a week then I'd have gone round, demanded my stuff and then left the ball in his court. He has treated you very, very badly and from the way he has behaved, i.e. an e-mail then nothing, he is either very very mixed up and you need to get him to talk to you, turn up, whatever, or he is a very cold and nasty man. I hope it's the former, but have the past 2 months waiting for him bought any hope? I do speak from experience, I've been left hanging before and it's not nice and now I look back I just think how silly I was waiting and wasting time!! I think moving on would be a good start, you can always leave the door open for him if he ever feels he can explain himself!!
Big hugs and hope everything works out for you.
xxx
P.S. Also, whether he is Army or not, you shouldn't be treated like this by anyone!!!! xxx
You're both so right!
I'd already decided that if I send that email it's the last thing i do - can't bloody well do anything else when it's a wall I'm talking to..
I like what you said nic about moving on but leaving the door ajar. It's just like you said: all the things he said in his email just make me suspect he's more than a little confused right now and I know if that's the case all I can do is give him time - but there's no chance I'm putting my life on hold in the meanwhile!!
xxx
Hi hon and nice to meet you, sounds like you've been through the works recently, big hugs!
I agree with Nic, nobody should treat you like this and to be honest, him saying it's because of the job is a pretty poor reason to break up - especially as he didn't seem to give you any say in the matter! Surely after 3 years this is the kind of thing that you should sit down and talk through together.
Just don't get your hopes up too much hon, he may think that as he hasn't heard from you in 2 months that you agree with him and you've moved on. I sort of hope for your sake that he realises he's made a big mistake and comes back to you on bended knees but at the same time you deserve better than being dumped by email with a measly excuse for an explanation.
If he doesn't get back to you soon then do try to move on, you may find it's for the best.
Lots of love and hugs xxxxx
Thanks priscilla - amazing how you guys can be so supportive of a complete stranger! Really appreciate it :)
I think you're right, if this was always the way he was going to go in the end better now than at the altar!
I did email him a few weeks ago saying that the way he's doing this isn't fair to me at all and that I think I deserve better. He actually replied (on his birthday!), saying that he understood that I needed more answers and that we could talk more when he went on holiday - which was two weeks ago now and still not a word..
It's just that it's SO not like him to not keep his word, chicken out etc! He always, without fail, does 'the right thing'. That's what makes me think something's wrong, but I suppose then that's his problem and not mine and there's nothing I can do about it..
xxx
I was in your position a while ago- shortly after tour, after a perfect holiday together, my oh broke up with me via email- basically saying his job had changed him, he couldn't give me all the things I needed etc etc. I think the worst part is being left over an email- so impersonal and no room for conversation or questions. Anyway after a couple of very miserable and confusing months he admitted he'd made a mistake and he wanted me back and we got back together.
About a (very happy) year later things got a bit rocky (his behaviour and attitude) and one day I'd had enough and called him (he worked away during the week) and he basically told me all the things he'd told me in the email the year before... plus he wanted to be single. We had been together 2 1/2 years and I thought we were heading towards spending our lives together, but he had gone the other way.
So I can see it from both sides (forgiving and getting back together or forgetting and moving on).
When I forgave and got bk with my ex the first time, it was very hard to move on from and it took me months to be at ease with the relationship again- because once someone has done that to you out of the blue, it takes a while to believe they won't one day do it again (in my case he did lol).
So remember to think about you in all of this... yes you are hurt and you want him back BUT do you deserve better then a man who will do this? Will it still be the same relationship after this? Can you forget the past few months and be happy again?
Just consider everything, and if he STILL hasn't given you the time of day after 2 months and this email, I wouldn't waste another second on this loser!! xxx
Lol! Such a relief to read your post!
Feels so good to hear from someone who's been through the same thing! I'd definitely not make it easy on him if he'd want to come back (not that there's anything that points to that right now) - there are quite evidently plenty of issues that need to be sorted out - but the fact remains that he told me I was the love of his life and I know he's mine. Hard to let go of that...
The thing is that whenever we've been together he's always treated me like a princess (it's obviously the being apart bit he can't handle) - so this feels like such a hard and unjustified fall from grace, you know?
Anyway, please keep calling him mean things for me - can't quite bring myself to do it, but it's such a relief to hear it! ;) Can't believe I didn't go on here sooner - you girls are just what I need now!
xxx
Well a few months down the line I have no bad feelings towards my ex, in fact I am grateful he was honest with me, instead of me carrying on thinking it was just a bad patch.
I was the same, he used to call me his princess and we used to be one of those couples everyone was jealous of- and I was very smug about it!! He told me that after I'd given him a second chance he couldn't bring himself to hurt me again... but in the end it was like ripping off a plaster- sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind!
Maybe things started to change for your ex, maybe he thinks he can't be all you deserve, or maybe he's met some body else... you really can't know unless he tells you and like I said if he hasn't got the decency to explain then I really don't think he deserves the benefit of the doubt. He is being a right **** not being clear to you, because he obviously knows you are not going to be able to move on until you know exactly where you stand!!
Give yourself a limit of how long you are going to wait, and then I would give up- it's not fair on you to keep waiting for something that may happen xxx
Thanks, Sarah - I understand exactly what you mean.
Woke up this morning feeling angry for the first time since this started, rather than sad. I deserve to be treated with so much more dignity after all we've shared!
Just emailed him and told him that, and that if something's wrong I'd like to help - if not, to stop being such a twat and man up and get in touch. The 'man up' bit should do it.. ;)
Can't believe i did it, but it feels good. Would never have done it if you girls hadn't given me the courage! Thank you!!!
xxx
Glad you're feeling better about it hon and have decided to take charge - go you!!
Let us know how you get on. And don't take any more crap!
Big hugs xxx
Glad you've had he courage to send the email, let us know if he responds!! xxx
Hey! I'm a newbie too! Nice to meet ya.
Well i dont know if this helps but im kinda going through a similar situation myself (if you look up in the general chat forum -"hello? anyone out there?" you will get where i am coming from). I havent been with my man as long as you have but he got told he was going to Germany on the friday of the last weekend i was to see him again, worked everything out that we were going to do to make it work, then dumped me via text on the monday after i spent an awesome weekend with him. I did send him an email after some time had past asking for an address to write a letter to him which i did and i sent it a week ago friday. im just waiting for a reply.... In the letter i tried to keep it light while laying all my cards on the table at the same time. I think writing that email is a good idea of you and him, gives you a chance to say what you want and for him to have a think about the things you have said... after the email i would just wait like me.If they dont come back to us we will leave the door open but still live our lives. well thats what i think anyway, cause i dont know about you but for me there wont be anyone else but mike( at least for a good while) so i'll marry my career for a while lol deluded i know but im stubborn lol If you wanna wait together, if it helps i'm here :D Just send us a pm anytime you wanna talk. Oh and being on this site is amazing. Everyone is lovely and knows what they are talking about so you are in the right place
Chin up xx
Hi girlies,
Well, I'm a newbie here - have been on here loads in the past few months and just read all your wise words but this is my first post!
I know this is long but this is two months' worth of pent-up confusion! Even so, I'm hoping you guys might be able to help me - if you can't make sense of this I don't know who can.
My guy broke up with me two months ago, after nearly three years together. We lived together when we first met, but he was posted somewhere else after a year and a half and as I still went to uni I couldn't move with him. We've both knew from the very start that we wanted to have kids together, get married etc. He's several years older than me and I'm the first girl he's ever said those things to, moved in with etc, :) so I know he wouldn't say it without meaning it.
He suddenly broke up with me two months ago, in an email (bc he was on excercise), saying it was getting him down that we can't see each other very much at all and that the way things are at the moment (with his job - he works looooads) he couldn't offer me a proper relationship anymore. I've been wanting to tell him ever since that being with an army man is never going to give you a proper relationship (having your man getting shot at on a regular basis - in what universe is that 'proper'?? :p) The thing is I'm a bit worried that this came in a period where he worked loads and didn't really have anyone to talk to - it feels so weird that he'd just make a complete u-turn like that after this long!
My problem is, that's the last I heard from him. An email. After that long and that big a commitment.. He's just refusing to talk to me and I feel like I'm in limbo. I still don't understand why he did this (is he not in love anymore, or could it really be the reasons he stated - could it be that silly?) :confused:
Have now started to write him an email where I tell him just how i feel about the whole thing. I feel like I need him to understand that I never had a problem with his job! All I wanted was for him to love me and to let me know that he still did, despite the work load and the distance - that's it (which, compared to what these guys ask of us really isn't a lot to ask).
Phew! Long, but I just feel so confused. Is he doing this cold turkey thing because he'll get over me quicker that way? I don't want him to! What's your experience of army men and this? And should I send that email, hoping that it will hit home at least a bit? He's still got shedloads of my stuff, so he'll have to get in touch at some point. Should I rather wait for that?
xxx
I'm abit slow, just read you sent the email lol
good for you! :D
xx
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