View Full Version : Its all over, over something soo stupid :(
Ok so, basically ages ago i had agreed to go to a Jools Holland gig with my hse mates, my hse mate faye had free passes as her dad is in the band but it was on my OHs birthday but as it was a weds i said yes as he wud have been in chippenham working and i wudnt have been able to see him neway as wud be at uni and the gig was in leicester (where im at uni).
Neway the last time we broke up i had gone to visit sarah's (my other hse mate) hse in glouc and planned to go out with her that wknd. Jason text me saying that i either saw him then or not at all ever again so i ditched sarah and ruined her plans and ran bk to him - even tho he dumped me and it was over me being at uni.
Jason was off on his birthday when the gig happened as he got put on leave and his mum had arranged a meal for 7pm but i didnt finish uni til 5pm and wudnt have got there in time neway as train doesnt get in til 8pm and he wudnt reschedule the time either.
I felt bad for not being there with him but i had sacrificed all my mates for him and it was getting to the point where i was on the verge of falling out with them forever and i had agreed to go to the gig with faye earlier so she was fuming that i wasnt gonna go.
We had some arguments and these r the girls i live with who have been there for me everytime he's dumped me so i owed them ALOT. Well i knew he'd go nuts so i told him i was doing wrk in the library. I got to his the nxt mrning and took him for a meal and to the cinema.
But because i lied its over - apparently im a lying deceitful cow. I have lied to him in the past but thats because i cant do normal things with out him getting angry, he hates me talking to other lads even though they are just my mates. Ive never cheated on him but he says he cant trust me.
The funny thing is i spent £30 on items and sent them out on the day before, and the next day he dumped me. I even got him an engraved dog tag - all i got from him was 2 min phone calls.
Ive apologised countless amounts of times but he's trying to blame everything on me and im not having it - he's done worst things in the past and ive forgiven him but he wont do the same.
We've had a rocky relationship tbh and i have been in hospital a few times (he's never hit me) but he's made me feel like i was worthless.
I do really love him but i feel like i deserve better - but im also worried im making a huge mistake? Ive had his mates telling me he's an idiot for treating me like this and letting me go, his parents have even said they know how unfair he is and my family are glad he's gone - yet i still feel like im in the wrong?
Sigh - jst dont really have any energy anymore :(
Claire
xxx
Oh dear! Im sure it was said in the heat ov the moment and will blow over soon hun!! Chin up:)
oh no hunni. i'm sorry to hear this.
at the end of the day, this is how i see things. everyone can have their opinions and try to give you the best advice they can but only you know how you feel and whether its worth fighting for.
i definately think he's over reacted, and seeing as they were unwilling to rearrange a time so you could make it then thats their fault and whether you were studying or out with ur mates shouldnt make a difference.
maybe give it some time too cool down and have a think about what you want.
in all honesty, you said you think you deserve better, then i'd say if thats what you think then you definately deserve better hunni. xxx
This sounds awful but his plan has worked, he wants you to feel bad and down etc. When you havent done anything wrong.
It hard and only you can decide but i would look at the pros and cons of being with him and see just what you actually get out of your relationship.
Sounds like you deserve better.
Hope your ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I can understand why you lied hun, its not fair for him to keep picking up and dropping you when he wants! So he's got a problem with you being at uni? He should be proud of you hun! He sounds like he's very controlling, and wants you to run after him.
x
Hey Claire
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Tbh it sounds to me like you're better off without him. Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of making you feel worthless???? Crickey, you should be with someone who makes you feel like you are the most important thing on the face of this planet and supports you and encourages you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. My ex-hubby made me feel worthless and it took me 5 years of marriage to finally realise I couldn't take it any more and deserved so much better. It was really really hard to leave him and it broke my heart doing it but I'm so glad I did and I now know that I am worth a hell of a lot more than the way he made me feel and I am sooooo much happier (and healthier) for it!
Your man sounds manipulative and not the sort of person you need in your life. As Emzy said though, that's just my opinion. You're the only one who can decide how they want their life to turn out. As the saying goes "though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending".
xxx
Thank you all - i think im better off with out him. We have both made mistakes but he wants me to take full blame for everything that went wrong in the relationship - if i did then he would just manipulate me and try and control me further.
I love him soo much but i think its better this way - i was hoping his 1st tour would help to mature him but its not done any good soo far.
Claire
xxx
Hey honey, I hope that you are ok, you are sounding very strong. I am going through something similar, my oh came back from afgan and was a different person, and not in a good way. He also blamed everything on me, said it was my fault that we split up but i didnt do anything apart from stand by him throughout all the **** he put me through. I am trying to stay strong as well but like you said I still love him alot. You never know, losing you might actually be what it takes to mature him. But keep your chin up, he shouldnt be making you feel like this, and doesnt deserve you. Sorry if this didnt really help but I do understand what your going through xxx
hey sweetie, i know weve talked on facebook a few times, but sounds like your still hurting!
if hes made you feel worthless hes not worth it and if he doesnt appriciate you either, Ive never had a problem with oh not letting me out actually he encourages it so i can sympathise with you there.
I really hope yo ufind someone that lets you be you xxxx
If I may summarise:
he dumped me and it was over me being at uni.
he wudnt reschedule the time either.
i had sacrificed all my mates for him
i cant do normal things with out him getting angry, he hates me talking to other lads even though they are just my mates. Ive never cheated on him but he says he cant trust me.
The funny thing is i spent £30 on items... all i got from him was 2 min phone calls.
Ive apologised countless amounts of times but he's trying to blame everything on me
We've had a rocky relationship tbh ... he's made me feel like i was worthless.
his parents have even said they know how unfair he is
I'm sorry, I know this is easy for me to say, but you were with him WHY????
I am shocked.
You have never cheated but he doesn't trust you; he dumped you over being at university (what, you can't get an education as well as be his girlfriend?!), you ditch your mates to spend time with him and he still doesn't appreciate it, you take care choosing gifts and he barely calls you, you apologise and still everything apparently is your fault, he gets angry with you for no good reason, he makes you feel worthless, and even his own parents don't think he treats you well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really think you are better off out of this, You can and will find someone who treats you properly and with respect. And then you will count your lucky stars you didn't waste any more time on this fcukwit.
I would never tell someone who to go out with, but I really think you are better off without him. it sounds like you have to walk on egg shells around him and wats the fun in that?? usually if someone doesnt trust the other it's because they themselves arent trust worthy. if he's happy to end your relationship on sumit so small he cant be that devoted to u, u should be with someone who wants to see you happy and worships you lol :) I know there's someone better out there for you, someone more mature and rational!! hang in there hun you're doing so well xxx
pm me if you need to. Things sound very similar to what they were with me. Men :rolleyes:
Sorry for the late reply.
ANYWAY he sent me an email saying he still loves me but doesnt think ill change and then said if i prove that i love him by doing 'something-anything' he'll get back together with me.
I was doing well in trying to cope but i got emotional one night and sent him an email and got this reply.
I know we are no good together, but it hurst soo badly without him :( I really really do love him - more than i have for anyone else before.
If i did get back together with him i know that this would probably happen again - and that everyone who loves me would be angry for me going back to him.
Yet i cant help myself :(
And tbh thats me wishing we'll get back together, atm i dont think its really hit home yet - i think when i know 100% def for that its over ill go even more crazy.
Hate feeling this ****! Grrrrr men!
I know how you feel. Do you kinda feel addicted to him?
If you know its best...walk away.
I have done that and I now know its the best things I could of ever done.
You do what you know in your heart of hearts is right
Aww hun how awful 4 u!! I really feel for u as its hard enough when oh is away from u without ur head being screwed up 2! I hope it works out for u and u get some happiness bk in ur life xx
I got another email from my ex saying that he's had enough and that if i want to get back together with him ill have to leave uni.
I was actually considering it and wanted to leave when he comes bk from Afghan (June) as my 2nd yr would be completed and if we didnt work out i could return to complete it in the future. WELL this wasnt good enough for him - he's back tomorrow for 10 days rnr and he said that if i dont leave during those 10 days then theres never going to be any chance ever again.
I get on quite well with his parents and they've said they'll try and speak to him about it but i know theres no point. Ive been trying to take my mind off of him by going out with friends but i end up having a **** night then get all sad and depressed again :(.
I currently have a 1500 word research paper due in tomorrow and i cant bring myself to do it. I feel low 24/7 and i know time heals all wounds but its the time it takes that scares me.
Life generally sucks at the minute to be honest :(
Hun i hate to say this but if i was you, i would leave HIM. How the hell would he feel if you said o we cant be togethr unless you leave the Army? He has his career why the hell shouldnt you have yours? Even if it is uni it will/could progress into a career, hes being totally unfair.
xxx
i agree dont go back to him!
you deserve your life to, we sometimes give up so much u for them there is no need for you to give up uni!!
I can't believe what I've just read!! I'm sorry hun, I know I don't know this guy but where does he get off issuing an ultimatum like that!! What a nasty piece of work.
I second what Niki said, if you said to him "leave the army or we can't be together" I bet a penny to a pound he bloody well wouldn't!
Chin up hun, you do not need someone like that in your life, no one has the right to make demands of you like that. Remember: "The person who has the power to make you cry is the one person who wouldn't"
xx
I got another email from my ex saying that he's had enough and that if i want to get back together with him ill have to leave uni.
I was actually considering it and wanted to leave when he comes bk from Afghan (June) as my 2nd yr would be completed and if we didnt work out i could return to complete it in the future. WELL this wasnt good enough for him - he's back tomorrow for 10 days rnr and he said that if i dont leave during those 10 days then theres never going to be any chance ever again.
Oh ffs. I have rarely heard such appalling behaviour in all my life. How dare he? Tell him to fcuk right off and stay there.
chick i know i dont know him personally, but please dont leave uni for that idiot!!
i left uni for same reasons, my ex had real real probs with it and i regret it still to this day because now i cant do what i wana do without re-doing it all from scratch. also its just feeding his insecurity... he will get you to do that, then if you get a job and a man is there he will threaten to leave you if you dont quit that... where will it end!!
im the most jealous person in the world, but my OH makes me go through it and refuses to change for me because it wont make it better for me ill just find something else to have a prob with iykwim!!
dump him and find someone supportive! xx
NO! I'm sorry sweetie but he can;t love or care for you if he's asking you to make such a sacrifice as that, it is BEYOND selfish and has infuriated me. He is intimidated by you and your success, and knows he is not good enough for you (sorry I know I don't know him but these are the impressions I am getting).
Would you ever demand he leave the army??? I bet not.
I PROMISE you it will get easier and you'll move on, I know it sounds impossible right now, but you are going to find someone who loves you for who you are, trusts you and wants you to be happy, then you'll never know why you wasted your time with this guy, and the longer you two attempt to dig up the past and hash over problems the longer it will take you to move on.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh I just don't think this guy deserves you at all and can't believe in this day in age a man would demand a woman sacrifice her career for him. I'm here whenever you want to talk xxx
just a little story of an ex i had... i was much younger at the time so the circumstances are different- but the moral is still there so bare with me....!!
When i was younger i loved school, was really good at it, worked hard, teachers never had a bad word to say against me. Just before i turned 15 i met a guy (we shall name him w*nker for the purposes of good storytelling :p). W*nker was 3 years older than me, and at the time my parents were divorcing so having an older exciting boyfriend kinda helped me get thru it. I didnt know much about him, except that he didnt work, smoked a lot of weed and liked video games a little too much.
well something about him sucked me in, and within a few months i had turned into a shell of myself. He had me going round to his in the mornings BEFORE school, basically so he could inspect what i looked like, i.e. length of skirt etc. got to the point where he told me he had spies in school watching me making sure i didnt talk to ANY males, teachers included. I actually believed him and for about 3-4 weeks i was skiving off more days than i attended, and was forging really bad sickness notes as i was terrified of going to school incase i got caught 'talking to a male'. on the days i went to school i would go straight to his afterwards as he convinced me that my mum was out to get me and ruin my life. another ridiculous lie i fell for hook, line an sinker. Didnt see any friends anymore as every second was spent with him.
Here is the important part of my story....
Finally it came to the time to choose whether to go to college or 6th form to do my a-levels. he hated the idea and was so close to convincing me to jack that in too and just give up my education to 'be with him forever and ever....'
my mum forced me to go to the 6th form open evening, and while i was there i bumped into a head teacher who took mum to one side asking why i had changed so much. as soon as she mentioned the w*nkers name, the teacher went mental and asked what the hell i was doing involved with someone like that...
something clicked in my head, and i got the courage to leave him, 4 weeks before my GCSE's were due to be sat. despite having dropped my predicted grades of A's to c's and d's over a period of a year, i somehow came out with 7 B's and an A. I am now at university doing a Masters in psychology.
I saw W*nker for the first time in 8 years last week. he was sat in a beat up old banger, with a baseball cap pulled low over his face and a joint hanging out of his mouth. If i hadnt had the courage to leave him and chase my education i would probably be sat in that car with him now. Instead in a years time il be working as a forensic psychologist in a prison dealing with skanky little scrotes like that.
Moral of the story is this, if ANY guy is so insecure that they want to bring you down to their level and make you give up your hopes and dreams, and is so jealous of other guys that they use that as an excuse... well- they need to go take a long walk off a short cliff.
I know my story is a little extreme, but the essence of it is similar to what u are going thru hun. Please dont let him stop you doing what u need to be successful in your own life because they would never give up the army for us- and we would never expect them to x x x x x
Honey I agree with the other girls, no guy is worth your time if he is making you do that. That is YOUR life he is messing with. What if you were to leave and things didnt get better and it all went wrong with him? What would you be left with? You would have given up so much.
I know how hard it is to walk away from someone that has that "hold" over you but believe you be it is worth it. I already feel a million times better leaving Stuart. I left my uni course, I lost my friends, then I lost him. I am trying to move on with my life and it is so going to be worth it. It will be for you too. I found this quote online the other day too and it just seemed so true.
Watching you walk out of my life doesn’t make me bitter or cynical about love,but it rather makes me wonder; if I so much wanted to be with the wrong one,how wonderful it will be when the right one comes along
And just think how much more special it will be with the right guy. He isnt worth your time at all honey.
hun i agree with all the other girls, a man that truly loves you would want you to follow your dreams and inspire you to do th best things with your life - this man clearly doesnt want that if he is issuing you with ultimatums like that! what exactly does he expect you to do whilst he is away anyway? just wait around twiddling your thumbs? im also shocked at his parents merely saying 'they'll try and speak to him', they should be appaulled by his behaviour too! i agree that he is intimidated by you and is attempting to deal with his insecurities by making you unhappy.
it is so hard trying to move on from someone you love, even if you know its for the best. but time really does heal all pain, and in a few weeks and months you will start to feel the fog clear.
big hugs hun, we're all here for you xxxxxxxx
Awe thanks everyone! All your words of wisdom have really helped. The funny thing is i agree with all of you - im not ignorant to how hes treating me but he has a manipulative way of making me think im in the wrong. He always has to have the last say. He was meant to be back on tues but its been delayed til today or tomorrow (i dont know if he is back yet or not) - so now thats all i can think about.
He started messaging me again on msn the other day - and i cant bring myself to block him yet (which i should do because its just prolonging it). WELL me being a lil bit crazy jealous said to him 'whatever you get up to, i dont want to hear about it' (i havent been with anyone else since - i've had a flirt but not slept with anyone because i dont want to) and he said its my fault if he does and i should deal with it. Im fuming that im sat here upset and he's just going to go out and shag the first things he sees! He said that its my constant lying that has ruined our relationship and its my fault so ill have to live with it, he also said that he doubts ill ever be able to have an adult relationship because im a 'compulsive liar'!!!
I want to slap the lil bugger! I have lied but never about anything serious - its always been over silly things because i know he'd over react and things like if i went out with my uni mates on a mon, if i told him he would forbid me - even though he would be on camp, so id just lie. I never did anything wrong i just got drunk and had a laugh with friends. I spent most of my 1st yr going bk to see him and didnt really bond with many other ppl than my house mates and when i did go out it would be once a week (which is what i do normally anyway - apart from last couple of weeks when i have been trying to get over him) - but he twist everything. He cant see how wrong he is.
I know this sounds really bitter but i hope he either meest someone who treats him the same so he realises - although i doubt he ever will. I just want him to suffer like i have! It some times feels like there is no bloody justice in this world!
xxx
No offence hun, but this man sounds like the perfect example of what my mum always calls 'a nasty piece of work'. I like Cheeky's phrase "The person who has the power to make you cry is the one person who wouldn't" - it's so true. Someone who CHOOSES to make you feel like this is not the type of person who is ever going to make you happy and fulfilled at any level, which is what everyone deserves in a partner. You should not live in fear of what a partner will do next, or have to lie to save yourself from their temper - that's not living, or thriving, that's existing and I bet you want more from your life than that. I think Sheryl's quote is excellent too: "Watching you walk out of my life doesn’t make me bitter or cynical about love, but it rather makes me wonder; if I so much wanted to be with the wrong one, how wonderful it will be when the right one comes along". Of course leaving him will be painful - but it will be short term - in the long term I reckon it's the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Sorry for coming across so stern, but he is clearly a very difficult and selfish individual, and YOU DESERVE BETTER! :)
Hey Ladies
My ex OH is back now until the 16th of feb. His mum rang me & said she'd had a chat with him but he's not having any of it, its uni or him as he said.
I asked how he was and she said he got back and literally the nxt morning went to visit his mate at uni. Well a few days later - even tho we've blocked eachother on fbk - i managed to still see the pics of his wknd away. It was jst him and girls - one tagged as his 'floozy'.
I feel like such a fool - i emailed him as he was contacting me saying he still loved me, so i told him to stop it and that i dont believe him when the nxt
thing i see is pics of him and girls!
So, last few days i have been fuming. BUT the good news is i went hme for the wknd to see family and try and distract myself - and i went on a date :)
I like the guy, he's older and mature - and we got on really well. Nothing happened, jst a chat over a drink. I liked the distraction but i kept thinking its not my ex. And i felt guilty - which i dont understand why? I know its quite soon, but im the type of person thats always been in a relationship and i hate being alone. But i still understand why im feeling guilty when he was the one to throw me away soo quickly.
THEN to top it all off got an email this morning from my ex saying he didnt want me to leave uni - jst move houses away from my hse mates as he sees them as a bad influence (they are not - its jst any old excuse) - so i said no, 1) ive signed the contract for nxt yr 2) you'll just find something else to find fault with if i did 3) your jst changing the story to make ureself look good.
HE even said 'I've told you i wont be with you whilst your at uni - when you've finished ring me and ill get back together with you in a heartbeat.'
WELL he can go jump off a cliff if he thinks im going to let him go and shag about for a year whilst im doing my last year at uni. And if im not good enough now - why will a year make a difference? Ill still be independent.
Is it me or is that a really egotistical thing to say? He seems to think that'll ill be pining for him forever. I do still love him, but jees i have some self respect!
GRRRRRR!
Sorry i had to rant :P
good for you, your being so strong :)
if you need us you know where we are!!
date? eh? hehehe, you gonna see him again? xxx
Well done, I think you have done exactly the right thing! *high five*
Whooohoo I am proud of you honey. You done the best thing kicking that low lif piece of scum out your life. Going on a date is fine. Go with the flow, you never know what may happen xxx
yay well done you. sounds to me as though you've made the right choice. x
Bit late on this but good for you rats like that never change x x x
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