View Full Version : Help! need advice on future.
Hey, so my OH is currently in afghanistan on his first tour and comes back for R&R in mid january. I havent really been dealing well with him being away and I was referred for counselling (which has helped my outlook on things a lot) however its also made me think about the future. I dont think I can take another tour and if we had kids together I wouldnt want him away for 6 months at a time (I really dont know how some of you do it!) but I really, really dont want to break up with him either as Im completely in love with him (hence the not coping.) This leaves me with the issue of what to do? I want to talk to him about how Iam feeling, as I tell him absolutly everything, but I obviously dont want to tell him whilst he's away because I dont want him to worry about me or anything. Even If I do talk to him (after the tour or during R&R?) What can I say? its not like I can tell him to leave the army, because I know he would for me but then he'd have no job and I know he likes what he's doing too. :s any advice please? Thanks x x x
Oh Hun, it is a very difficult situation.
I would put off talking to him about it until he has completed his tour of afghan hun, to do it on RnR would be no help to either of you!
The concerns you are raising are valid, but you also have to think that if plans are going ahead with pulling troops out, it may not be as big of an issue in a year or two as it is now.
The other thing you have to look at, is how your OH deals with the tour himself! He may decide it's not for him either, you never know.
You can't make any decisions until he is back hunni, I know that doesn't help you much!
sorry
xx
Ahhh hun, I'm sorry you're finding it so hard. Good on you for getting help with it, the worst thing you can do is suffer in silence.
You say you don't know how the others do it (I only have to deal with short seperations, 4 months at the most, usually 8/9 weeks at a time) but I have to say, no one likes it, everyone just has to get on and deal with it. I'm not trying to make your worries sound trivial hun, they're not, or saying that's what you should do, or you should just 'deal with it' just wanted to say that everyone feels like this at some time or another and basically just have no choice but to get on with the situation. I whinge and moan and complain and vent and hate it when my hubby's away, even more so now we've had a baby (he was away for 4 days recently, I hated every second!), but I couldn't not be with him. It is so hard though, I understand completely where you are coming from.
I agree with katie, all you can do is talk to him (but leave it til the end of tour, 2 weeks r&r is for you to enjoy each other's company, I agree it won't help either of you talking about it then), tell him you're not asking him to leave, but he needs to understand that you don't think you can do another tour.
Really hope you sort it out, hugs
xxx
Hey hun
Sorry you're feeling this way. But you only live once and you've got to make that life a happy one so you've got to do what's right for you. I also agree with Katie that you should leave that conversation until after tour though. Another thing worth bearing in mind is that even if he does have to do another tour, it's not going to be all the time.
Also do come on here and vent / let us know how you're feeling. We're all here to support each other and we may be able to make things a little more bearable for you. I don't know what I'd do without the girls here to keep me sane while my OH is away.
Big hugs!
xxx
I agree with the girls i would not bring it up on r and r as it could open of can of worms and cause an awful lot of trouble.
Unfortunately being involved with someone in the forces is always going to mean they will be away for periods of time. Its horrible but like the girls have said you have to get on with it. the way I see it is i hate OH being away but could I live without him? No , so I put up with it. sorry if i am not much help xxxx
hey hun, yes tours are tough, but at the end of the day you and your OH have to have a discussion at the end of this tour to set everything straight. Firstly you need to ask your OH what his plans are for the future regarding the army. Does he see himself staying in the for the long haul or just for the mininmum 4 years??? And if he is in for the long haul you need to ask yourself if you are willing to accept this lifestyle. As it is a tough lifestyle for us wags, but we choose to do it because we love our men unconditionally and would do anything for them, and there is no question about whether we like it or not that they have to go away and leave us, we just learn to deal with it the best way we can.
That is good that you are getting counselling hun to deal with all of this. But do you have a good family and friend support network around you? And just try and keep yourself as busy as possible to make the time pass quicker hun xxx
Thanks everyone, those comments did help, reading them I thought Id probably say the same thing lol. I do know I cant tell him during R&R and Im sure when he's back I'll completely forget that I was ever upset for a while anyway.
I am sorry but I may start to rant a little now :rolleyes: ......The support I have at home is alrte (his family are fantastic) but none of MY friends or family mention it at all, im sure they all have good intentions behind it, but I think for me it would help more to talk about him, rather than pretend he doesnt exist (hence why I started to look at this site.) I also have some friends who go on and on about how much they miss their boyfriends when their only away for a day or two at most, (I completely understand that they miss them and Im not saying they cant be upset or talk about it either) BUT my housemate at uni did start crying to me about her boyfriend being in scotland for a few days and she has never asked about my OH (one time I decided to bring him up because I needed to talk to someone and she actually just went "um, yeh" whilst txting and then left the room?!) therefore it drove me insane when she came out with the sentence "He's just so far away, he couldn't possibly be any further!" then she spoke to him on skype for hours. I know my anger towards her was about 80 to 90% jealousy but it really, really annoyed me! x x x
Oh hun, welcome to the world of being a wag! Everything you've said there has been posted on here probably by everyone at some point or other. You are not alone in this!!!! Civvy friends just don't understand for all their best intentions. No one can until they've been in the same position. But the wonderful thing is, on here you are surrounded by people who do understand and are going through or have been through what you are going through and will support you.
Come on here, vent and rant away all you need. We're all here for each other.
xxx
Thanks everyone, those comments did help, reading them I thought Id probably say the same thing lol. I do know I cant tell him during R&R and Im sure when he's back I'll completely forget that I was ever upset for a while anyway.
I am sorry but I may start to rant a little now :rolleyes: ......The support I have at home is alrte (his family are fantastic) but none of MY friends or family mention it at all, im sure they all have good intentions behind it, but I think for me it would help more to talk about him, rather than pretend he doesnt exist (hence why I started to look at this site.) I also have some friends who go on and on about how much they miss their boyfriends when their only away for a day or two at most, (I completely understand that they miss them and Im not saying they cant be upset or talk about it either) BUT my housemate at uni did start crying to me about her boyfriend being in scotland for a few days and she has never asked about my OH (one time I decided to bring him up because I needed to talk to someone and she actually just went "um, yeh" whilst txting and then left the room?!) therefore it drove me insane when she came out with the sentence "He's just so far away, he couldn't possibly be any further!" then she spoke to him on skype for hours. I know my anger towards her was about 80 to 90% jealousy but it really, really annoyed me! x x x
This is so typical and I personally think it's the worst bit of being a wag (apart from the seperation obviously). I actually say to my friends when they are whinging 'awww that's sad however until you've done 9 weeks apart (longest me and hubby have done) I have no sympathy heehee' in a jokey way but a way that they know means man up it's not that bad. She sounds like a bit of a selfish cow tbh honest, how can she just 'uh-yeh' and walk out the room!! RUDE. Next time she starts whining I'd 'uh-yeh' her back and leave the room too!!!
Agree with manuiti, come here and have a shout and a rant and we'll help you get over it :D
xxx
Just wanted to say i totally understand everything you are feeling hun, and that its all normal dont worry! pleased you got some help and you are feeling better. I am defs in the same boat friends and family wise, like the girls say, i suppose its impossible to expect them to understand. but all of my friends have been pretty useless this tour, cancelling girls nights, only wanting to go on the drink (and i dont like to drink when hes away), not checking how i am etc. tbh i haven't even seen some of my "best" friends for about 3 weeks. Atleast we have each other on here! i am so glad i came on here.
I am sure r n r will be so exciting and enjoyable that you will forget all about your worries too, just try and keep getting on with each day at a time. you are doing so well, as are all the other girls with men away or on tour. come on here whenever you need someone who understands, we will all do our best to help you. and you should never feel like the only one that's felt that way cos i know i certainly have! Hope u feel better soon xx
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